Liar Liar Pants On Fire
Liar Liar Pants on Fire
Men are uncomplicated creatures. We call things as we see them. We find that the world operates well this way. So if a friend arrives at a party and asks our opinion on his new Crocs, we'll tell him that he may as well have 'Fashion Doofus' tattooed on his forehead.
He'll thank us for our frankness, bin the stupid shoes and avoid further public embarrassment. Equally, if he arrives in a cool T-shirt and a mate says, 'Cool T-shirt', he won't spend hours agonizing over the deeper meaning of the throwaway compliment. He'll take it for what it is. In this way, men are very different from women.
Of course, there are exceptions. Some of us work in advertising or politics, for example, so we may be used to twisting the odd fact at the office. And most of us try our best to look cool around our peers so we've been known to exaggerate certain things when talking to casual acquaintances: our salaries, how much we bench-press and how often we have sex, for instance.
Similarly, most men will have worked out at some stage - probably a couple of months into their first serious relationship - that leniency with the truth is often necessary when dealing with their better halves. My first proper girlfriend, Anna, an architecture student, was a true find. Pretty, funny, level-headed. I vividly recall when she told me, a few weeks after we started going out, that if she ever started putting on weight I should let her know. What a girl, I thought at the time - straightforward, no oestrogen issues, can handle the truth....
I learnt a valuable lesson a couple of months later - one that involved the shedding of many tears, and one that most men must suffer through at some stage. Our girlfriends do not always want to hear the truth, we discover - and so the inevitable journey down the slippery truth-distortion slope begins.
How can you know your man is lying? Unless you possess built-in polygraph abilities, there's no sure way. What you can do is recognize the scenarios and try to understand why we do it.
The Best Estimate
According to US psychologist Dory Hollander, author of 707 Lies Men Tell Women and Why Women Believe Them (Harper Collins), the definition of a lie depends on your gender. Her research revealed that women generally defined a lie as a deliberate untruth that 'hurts someone', while men consider it a misstatement of fact. Forgetting to mention something, many men rationalized, didn't count. This notion leads to 'the best estimate' - effectively a lie of omission as a means to avoid or postpone conflict.
Hence this statement as your man heads off to the annual cricket dinner: 'I'll be home by 11, babe.' He's just chosen not to add 'probably'. What he's thinking as he tells you this is that he's not really up for a big night because he wants to be bright and sharp for that meeting tomorrow morning. But he's also aware of the chance that Jimbo the deadbeat wicketkeeper will repeatedly fine him for dissent, get him plastered and convince him to go to Johnny Cotcher's house afterwards for a couple of tequilas and then, hey, heading out for a few drinks will be a great idea....
But why cause trouble between the two of you when he can't say for sure what's going to happen?
This lie is often accompanied by another lie of omission, as a direct result of girlfriend paranoia. When he eventually phones at 1am to check in, and mentions that he's just having another drink and will be home in half an hour - another best estimate - and you ask in a thin voice who's there with him, he will tell you 'Larry and Andrew', his respectable mates, without mentioning Jimbo, Johnny Cotcher, Womanizing Warren and that slut who's slept with half the team....
Of course, the easiest way to deal with the best estimate is to anticipate the more likely outcome and tell him you know there's a chance he's going to stay out late. It's fine with you as long as he checks in regularly. Problem solved.
The Lie of Appeasement
The best estimate is a simplified version of the lie of appeasement, which is your boyfriend's standard method of keeping the peace.
Despite our fascination with action movies and violent video games, guys loathe conflict, especially when our minds are somewhere else, such as watching sport, reading the paper, getting ready to go out. We're lazy like that. We will choose the path of least resistance whenever possible - so chances are his promises to do whatever chore you need him to do are just a way to get you off his case. And 'Yes, that pashmina looks great on you' is simply a line so you can feel happy about what you're wearing and he can get you out the door. This is a standard white lie: giving the desired answer to ease an insecurity, usually appearance-related.
Humans are programmed to believe compliments and avoid painful truths. Often we don't want to know when somebody is lying. As slow as we can be, men realize this.
Girlfriends should make a distinction between just looking for a confidence-boosting compliment (a very human need, nothing wrong with that) and looking for an honest, focused response. Because it gets dangerous when little white lies of appeasement start to apply to more serious aspects of your relationship: when he brushes off all your questions with soothing comments because he has something else on his mind or he couldn't really care less. And when you're happy to accept these lies because you're scared of facing the truth.
If you have important things to discuss, appeal to that straightforward male rationale of his. Tell him you want to talk and you need his full attention. If necessary give him half an hour to finish what he's doing, then come straight out with it and don't let him fob you off.
Sex Lies (and Videotape?)
Sex lies are a different proposition. This is because men will do anything for sex. Including lie. Especially lie, in fact. Simple appeasement has nothing on the intricate tales we'll weave to get a girl into bed.
For single girls, the rule is simple. When a man is trying to get into your pants, don't trust anything that comes out of his mouth. He may be interesting, well-mannered and good-looking but the stuff about his weekly charity work, his impressive salary, his love of romcoms or, indeed, his love of you all need verification. 'I'm a pilot'; 'I'm a doctor'; 'I train dolphins at the aquarium'; 'I drive the stairs at the airport' - I know friends who have actually used all these lines, sometimes successfully. And you'd be surprised how often 'Im gay' works too.
Women in relationships can at least be grateful they don't have to go through this charade any more - at least not to this extent - but they should still be wary of sex-related truth distortion. Any question you ask a man immediately before an impending sexual event is received through a filter that has evolved over millions of years to produce a response that will lead to said sexual event as quickly as possible. He cannot be held accountable for anything he utters at that time. Similarly, don't count on anything he says in the moments immediately afterwards because his brain is flooded with chemicals telling him to tell you what you want to hear so he can sleep.
When it comes to awkward sex questions such as 'How many women have you slept with?', 'Have you had anal sex before?' or 'Am I the best you've had?', chances are he's going to fudge the answers to make you feel better just like you will for him. Unless you're one of those tell-each-other-everything couples, some things really are better not known.
A Final Warning
There is one male specimen more deceitful than a single man on the prowl and that's the unfaithful male trying to cover his tracks. The good news is that his stories often verge on the ludicrous; the bad news is the women in his messy triangle often believe them.
There is no telltale philanderer's lie. Rather, he will tell every fib known to mankind. Grand embellishments become par for the course and the cheating man quickly becomes a professional grade-A liar.
The girl he's cheating with will be told this one too: 'I'm going to leave her and my kids for you. Soon.' Until he's divorced and living with you, you have plenty of reason to doubt this one - as a 20-something girlfriend of mine worked out after two years of such tales from her married lover.
The earlier rule about being clear whether you want an ego boost or the (possibly crushing) truth applies here too. If the woman being cheated on does manage to ask the question 'Are you cheating on me?' but does so wanting only to be reassured that her man is not, he'll sense that and she'll buy any ridiculous story.
Even when the cheater is caught in the act, the game isn't necessarily up. Because this is where the most dangerous lie of all comes in: 'I love you, not her'. The truth is he loves both of you or neither of you. Either way, he is due for removal. Most guy lies are forgivable, but this one isn't.
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